-- flashback --
"Stop it! Stop it, stop it, stop it!"
-- end flashback --
I begged, I cried, it did absolutely nothing. I learnt from that. It gets worse if you cry. I don't cry any more.
I was 5 years old. Five years old, that's all. Isn't that a bit young? But life isn't fair. That's a lesson to be learnt ASAP and I did. I don't expect anything to be fair any more.
My mother had died... Dad said one of her boyfriends smashed her up after he found out she was married. I wouldn't have been surprised. Nothing surprises me any more.
Any more... I say any more... I don't do this any more... did I ever? I never had the chance to get those normal kiddie stupid ideas like 'life is fair' or 'your parents love you' or 'everything will work out right in the end'...
Anyway, all that was totally squashed by Dad.
There was more to my family than just Dad and me, one thing which was lucky in my life... without that, I don't think I coulda survived.
My oldest brother, Jared... I could've done without him. He was just like Dad, even to me, who was 12 years younger than him...
My next eldest brother, Jay, was better. He was what a big brother should have been, which was surprising in a family like ours. He was like my father and I depended on him far too much. Don't depend on anyone... that's another lesson I learnt.
My sister Jemma, only two years older than me, was in the same boat as I, but she'd learnt enough to deal with it, and she didn't want to share any sympathy with me. You can't help other people if you have the same problem yourself.
But my siblings, even if I didn't always get along with them - and we were far from a model family - at least if they were around, they took some of Dad's focus off me, 'cos he had to put up with all of us.
I fit right into Team Rocket, you know? It's no worse than my home life... actually, it's a lot better. At least I can trust James... I can't trust any bloody guys.
It's dangerous to trust James, I'm sure nothing good can come of it, but I still don't have any control over how I feel, so...
Feeling trapped, feeling dirty... I think that was the worst of it. I couldn't get away from home, I was too young. But as I grew up, I grew up the way a person should... I grew up tough.
Well, I don't always feel tough, but I'm not going to make mistakes that most people make.
I wanted to be a Pokemon trainer, 'cos I'd met a few and it looked like fun. The trainers were pretty nice - well, except for Dad's trainer friends who were a little *too* nice - and I liked Pokemon a lot. We had a Persian in our family and it was always comforting being with someone who'd like you that you could like without worrying...
My family usually referred to it as "that damn cat" but it was still a good friend.
I heard that when you turned 10, you could become a Pokemon trainer and leave him. I couldn't wait. I dreamed about the moment I'd be able to leave home and find freedom and peace.
Another stupid dream! Of course, I wasn't allowed to take the qualifying exam. Dad specifically requested that I not be allowed. He didn't want me to leave.
A few days later, I ran away from home, but I couldn't become a Pokemon trainer. I had no way of learning and anyway, I didn't want to stick around town. I just sort of lived in the forest for a while, far away from people, especially men, who I don't trust at all. There were lots of Pokemon there, and that's where I became interested in 'em.
Sometimes travellers, Pokemon trainers, would come through the forests, and I'd watch them. I talked to one once, found out what a Pokemon trainer was, how to become one...
Then I went back to city life, if you can call it that. Anyway, I stayed with whoever I could find - no definate address for me - and took an exam to become a Pokemon trainer.
All I wanted was a license to be able to take Pokemon around with me, but I found myself winning a scholarship... I guess all that time staying with Pokemon in the forest taught me a lot. I got invited to Pokemon Tech, and not knowing what I let myself in for, I accepted.
Big mistake! I was so bloody out of place! I didn't make any friends, I couldn't risk it. I mean, if they found out about my past, I woulda been kicked out of school. I hated the atmosphere and feeling uncomfortable every day, but I did want to be a good Pokemon trainer.
James reminds me of Jay sometimes. Actually, that's why I went up to him the first time... that, and the fact that he looked outta place like me.
I still hate feeling alone after all this.
-- flashback --
"Where'd Jay go?"
"Dunno.... ain't seen him in weeks. Piss off Jess, don't bug me like this."
"Jemma..."
"Why don'tcha go ask Jared, don't hang around me like a bloody annoying fly."
I didn't want to ask Jared, my skin crawled whenever I thought of him.
In the end, it was the silence that told me where Jay went. Forever gone, and I don't blame him. I wanted to follow him, but some stubborn persistance in me kept me going, even if I was always gonna be running...
-- end flashback --
I'm sick of running. But there's no other way to go.
Right now I'm trying to catch Mewtwo. Seems ridiculous and farfetched. I feel kinda disappointed with myself because even if I hated humans, I was always friends with Pokemon. This job doesn't let that sorta thing happen.
But, I just gotta succeed. I couldn't become a Pokemon trainer, let alone Master, when I was 10, but I gotta acheive some sort of goal. And what I really want to do most is shove it in that @%*! kid Ash's face when I become a success... nobody bugs me as much as that brat.
I guess 'cos he's exactly like I coulda been if I had the chance, but I never did, so I'm stuck as a hated criminal with no future while he has friends and a dream that's coming true.... ohhh, we tried to stop him but he got all the badges anyway. You think it was a coincidence we were after his strongest Pokemon? A coincidence we interrupted almost every trainer battle he had? Oh, that was no bloody coincidence.
Not to mention he's so condescending! Always messes up our plans and shows up at the worst moment possible... Thinks he's so much bloody better than me...
Ohh, I'm so jealous of him but I'd never say so in a million years. James doesn't know. A few years ago, I might've told him, but we don't talk so much any more, not about serious stuff anyway... that sucks, it's all 'cos we're in Team Rocket, and everything goes unsaid... we have a job to do.
Hmpf, I don't usually do this. Reflecting on the past, especially in an important mission! I won't mess this one up, but James and Meowth are probably gonna screw up again.
Live for the present. There's no future and the past is NOT worth thinking about. Well, we'll do this right now anyway.